Finding Light Through the Darkness

• 

• 

• 

by Kim Finlinson

September 26, 2017 will be a day I will never forget. In fact, it is a day that I relive time and time again in my mind. It was the day my son Jared ended his life. A feeling of helplessness, heartache and grief will always remain with me.

Jared was our youngest child and only son. He has three older sisters. He was sixteen years old and just starting his junior year in high school when he ended his life.

Jared was born with a high level of impulsivity and lack of fear. He was in the emergency room getting stitches on several different occasions by the time he was 3. He loved to climb trees, roofs and anything that looked like it could be climbed! He was full of adventure and mischief. He loved to play sports, especially football. He also had a very kind heart. He was loving in many ways and cared about people. He would come up to me and randomly give me a hug and say “You know I love you, Mom.” He would tickle his sisters and tease them relentlessly. His friends thought very highly of him, and said that where there was mischief, fun and adventure, Jared was sure to be found. He struggled with ADD, and school was not
his favorite place to be. He was a very happy-go-lucky kid, and could make a joke out of almost anything. He had so many qualities that I miss deeply. I especially miss hearing him laugh.

I grew up with my dad having a career with the Highway Patrol. I remember as a child and teenager hearing that he would be called upon to investigate a suicide. When I would hear about this, I would always think to myself: “Why would someone do something like that?” I felt like it was unimaginable/unthinkable.

The unimaginable has now become a reality for me. Suicide is a hard reality to face. It is a unique grief because it happens at the hand of the one you love, and often times it is so hard to understand. It is out of character. I have learned that mental illness, in whatever form, can be like a cancer to the mind. Just like cancer can affect the physical organs and deteriorate our bodies, mental illness can deteriorate the mind.

When we realized Jared was struggling with mental illness, we immediately sought out help. He was seeing a therapist, on medication for depression, and spent six days in the University of Utah Neuropsychiatric Institute. We had several conversations with him where we told him how much we loved and cared about him. He was also given a Priesthood blessing by his father.

I thought things were improving and getting better, only to find out that the reality of suicide was now a trial that our family has to face.

The night after Jared ended his life, our family slept in the main living room—needing to be together! As I thought about Jared and our heartbreaking circumstance, the following scripture came to my mind: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light,” Matthew 11:28-30. The Savior was reaching out to me and I knew He loved my son, even more than I did.

I have experienced grief in a way that I never would have imagined. I have learned the following through this experience of losing Jared:
• The Atonement is real! The Savior is there for me through this heartache, even if I feel angry or fall short. His love for every individual is unconditional. He also has the ability to heal my son.
• Suicide is NOT selfish. Suicide victims are trying to end pain the only way they know how. They are not trying to create pain.
• There is a stigma to suicide that needs to change. Too often, suicide survivors do not receive the same respect from others than if their loved one would have died in a different way. I now have more empathy and compassion for others. Everyone has something they struggle with. I realize now, more than I ever have, the importance of being kind and nonjudgmental of others. I bond with those who have experienced loss through suicide or premature and/or tragic death. We can truly empathize with each other. I am going to have days that are a lot harder than others. It’s okay for me to have those days. And, I have come to accept that often they come unexpected.
• Don’t dwell on the “what-if’s” or “if-only.” It only becomes self-destructive. There
is nothing I could have done to stop what happened. I realize even more how valuable life is! I MISS my son! I would not change anything about his personality or who he truly is. Despite this heartache, I still have so much to be thankful for! My family needs me to be happy, and we all need each other for love and support! I need to strive to “live happy in honor of my son.”
• Life is temporary and can be very short. Cherish the time you have with the ones
you love. I have now become a stronger person because of this trial.
• There is a plan. I can trust God with my son. I believe that there is a good plan for
Jared. The Savior loves us too much to allow us to fail. He will give us as many
opportunities and chances as he can. One day, I will be with my son again! This
heartache will not last forever. Hold on and hope on!

The following poem is for now what I have to hold on to:
I feel a warmth around me, like your presence is so near.
And I close my eyes to visualize your face when you were here.
I endure the times we spent together, and they are locked inside my heart.
As long as I have those memories, we will never be apart.
Even though we cannot speak, my voice is always there,
Because every night before I sleep, I have you in my prayer.

The following are books that I have read that helped me with suicide:
After My Son’s Suicide by Darla Isackson
Grieving A Suicide by Albert Y. Hsu
My Son. . . My Son. . . by Iris Bolton
Dying to be Free by Beverly Cobain and Jean Larch
Why People Die By Suicide by Thomas Joiner

NOTE:
Allison Downs and Kim Finlinson have both lost sons to suicide. Their hearts want to help by reaching out to others who have experienced loss through suicide. They are creating a donation called Moms of Hope. They will be personally delivering a “gift basket” which will have a Minky blanket, a book about grieving suicide and a heartshaped necklace. They need your help so they can give generously. Please consider donating to @moms-of-hope. Your donation will be greatly appreciated as well as help to heal hearts.